The Three Steps to Self-Disruption for Energy, Presence & Calm

Do you feel like you are letting everyone down and like nobodies getting the best of you? 

It’s likely you long for a greater sense of ease, calm, presence and groundedness in the average day but at the moment you feel relentless exhaustion like you’re operating in robot mode, unable to unplug the status quo and disrupt a lifestyle that not only isn’t serving you it’s making you feel toxic inside and out.

You might find yourself continually questioning how you can make change when you’re too exhausted to even know what it would look like? How is it possible to make the time for me without the guild of letting everyone else down in the process? 

You feel frazzled, lost and confused. Stuck, with no direction and no energy to change. Everything just feels so overwhelming.

Whilst you long for life to be different you subconsciously know you self-sabotage taking action because you don’t feel you deserve the happiness you seek. 

It’s possible if you have kids you use them as an excuse not to prioritise yourself and procrastination supported by aimlessly scrolling on Instagram has become a comfort you resent. 

If you're reading this and saying OMG I feel like she’s in my head then let’s have a conversation about what’s going on inside your head and how you can create a circuit breaker to disrupt the status quo and kick start resetting your foundations towards a little more energy, presence and calm in each day.

Let’s journey together and explore what self-disruption looks like and the three steps you can take to bring more energy, presence and calm into your life.  

What is extrinsic and intrinsic motivation?   

We are a society motivated by external validation. We care a lot about what others think of us and for those of us that are people pleasers we spend a lot of time trying to make others happy. 

Sadly, over time this comes at the expense of our own health and happiness. In psychological terms, this pattern of behaviour is driven by what we call extrinsic motivation. 

Motivation is about where our drive comes from to take action. 

When our behaviour is disproportionately extrinsically motivated our actions are orientated towards gaining some kind of tangible reward e.g., perceived career success or being the perfect mother or toward avoiding a perceived punishment like rejection or judgement of others.

Now don’t get me wrong, extrinsic motivation can also be a great thing as it can challenge us to try new things, listen to new perspectives and push our boundaries. 

It only becomes a problem when it becomes our primary motivation driver because it disconnects us from ourselves and the magic of motivation that comes from within.

This motivation from within is what is termed intrinsic motivation in the world of psychology.

Intrinsic motivation is about taking action that is driven by curiosity and a desire for fulfilment.  Intrinsically motivated actions generate positive feelings and according to research undertaken byDeci & Ryan (2008) lead to increased persistence, greater psychological well being, and enhanced performance. 

You can start to see how shifting the balance between extrinsic motivation toward more intrinsic motivation can help pave the path to disrupting the exhaustion and the feelings of letting everybody down.

So, where does one even begin to shift the balance from constantly acting in the service of external validation and instead find the motivation within to validate one’s own actions in a way that aligns with who they truly want to be and how they want to show up in this world? 

It starts with small steps to self-disruption. As I always say, small changes (tiny changes) practised over time can have a huge impact. So that’s where we’ll focus today.

According to  Deci and Ryan’s (2008) Self-Determination Theory (SDT) of motivation, you can turn up the dial on your level of intrinsic motivation by focusing on three key areas Autonomy, Relatedness and Competence. 

Let’s break these down so you can use them to self-disrupt in a way that makes sense for you.

1. Autonomy

To find motivation within rather than seek it continuously from the external world you have to believe that you have choices. What precedes every action is a choice. The reality is you have a say in what you are doing, and in how you show up each day. It’s likely your robot mode though has just conditioned you to believe that you don’t

So, a simple way to experiment with building your autonomy is using Positive Psychology forefather Martin Seligman’s three good things to exercise for a week. 

It’s as simple as writing down at the end of each day three good things that happened and what influence you had on making them happen no matter how small. The science behind how this little exercise can shift your happiness for up to six months is profound and it equally highlights to you that you can influence your actions in small ways.

For example, when I am writing an assignment for university. Each day when I have made progress, instead of thinking about all the work I need to do to finish it, I think about the three good things I did to contribute to the work. 

2. Relatedness

Exhaustion and overwhelm can feel lonely and isolating as can the practice of self-disruption to work your way out of it.  

Deepening your connection to those who feel the same way you do and want to make change like you do is a surefire way to ignite your intrinsic motivation. Trust me you don’t need to feel alone there are so many others out there like you, you just need to find a community to connect into.  

3. Competence